Vernon Dursley

Vernon Dursley is the uncle of Harry Potter. He has a sister called Marge, who once ate a funny whelk.

Early life
Vernon was born on 19 July 1952 to his father, Archibald Dursley, and mother, Dave Dursley. He had a very easy life due to his parents winning a lifetime supply of pork in a competition at a butcher's shop. In his teenage life, he was in a gang called The Bacon Rashers. In this gang, he was known as "The 'Tache", and they would go around the town solving pork-related mysteries. Business was slow for a long time for the Bacon Rashers, and when the local butcher's shop was raided, the gang bungled the attempt at catching the culprits and managed to accidentally kill 64 innocent victims. After this debacle, he found himself becoming obsessed with a girl in his class, Petunia Evans. In an attempt to impress her, he travelled to America and shot the President. The plan worked, and Vernon married Petunia when he was 18. They had a pork-themed wedding and Weezer played there. Apparently, they only played one song, which was obviously 'Buddy Holly'.

Children
During one of their pork-themed sex romps (I won't go into too much detail, but Petunia would often dress up as a pig), the condom (pork-flavoured, of course) broke and Petunia fell pregnant with their only son. Vernon wanted to call him Porky, but Petunia objected and instead they opted for the name Dudley.